Unhealthy Comparisons And The Impact On Self-Esteem

I\’m all for a bit of healthy competition and I’d be lying if I said I didn\’t like to win…especially business! What about when competition and comparisons make you feel bad?

So Why Do We Compare Ourselves?

Here’s a clue. I was at the local park observing a typical scene: Dad teaching son to ride his first bike with stabilizers. The little boy, (about age 3), was enjoying looking up at the sky and was going through the motions, to the extent where Dad began pushing his knees down to make the pedals go round. I could tell poor old Dad was frustrated and in the end he said, ‘Oh why can’t you do this, your sister could at your age!!’

Fast forward to adulthood and the comparison pattern is established. In coaching discussions clients comparing themselves to someone else in an unfavourable light, is probably one of the most popular things I have to deal with. A Partner in a Law Firm once said he still wasn\’t successful, because ‘his peers became Equity Partners before he did.’ He is successful.

Here’s The Dichotomy:

To some extent, these unfair comparisons drive people on to be successful because they want to be better. However, it’s when people get on a downward spiral of self-flagellation that there is cause for concern. If you keep beating yourself up, over time it will impact on state of mind, which in turn damages performance and the results we get in life.

Accept That We Are All Unique:

Our brains are wired differently and our bodies work in distinct ways. For example, my sister runs an Ariel Theatre Company; she can be found swinging from the ceiling in a harness, climbing walls and performing amazing acrobatic routines. My Mum tells a story about having to pick her up from nursery having climbed up high on some equipment, (pah, what health and safety?!) and falling and banging her head. The clues to my sister’s talents were there from an early age. Whereas I on the other hand, am not the least bit athletic but had a fascination for people and business. My favourite game as a child: making perfume with my best mate and then trying to persuade and influence the neighbours to buy it for 5 pence.

How To Deal With Negative Comparisons / The Downward Spiral:

Be mindful of the conversations you’re having with others and yourself! The unconscious mind is always listening to your ‘programming’. Spot and Stop the downward spiral, (negative conversations).
Acknowledge what you are good at, as opposed to comparing yourself to others and criticising yourself for what you can’t do. I can recommend a great book: Now Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham. This book talks about ‘wiring’ and you get a profile of your Top 5 Strengths.
Once you can appreciate your own talents, you will become authentically confident and be able to appreciate the talents of others, (as opposed to unhealthy comparisons or being envious). Then say what you see and give positive feedback.
Be comfortable with the things you’re not good at and don’t try to cover them up – it’s a waste of energy. For example, I really don’t have an eye for detail: I’ve just spent the last 6 months distributing business cards with my husband’s old mobile number on! Another great read: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.
Be aware that when you are working in line with your strengths, (the way in which your brain is wired), it won’t seem like work…you’ll feel as though you are ‘in the flow’. More about this in the Strengths Finder book.
Finally, if you have kids…just let them be; allow them to find and follow their own talents as opposed to you encouraging them do to something you feel they ‘should do’. Life will be a lot easier for them; they’ll be naturally successful and much happier. (Thanks Mum x).