We recently took my daughter to see Riverdance. Anyone that has been, will know that it can really stir up emotions in you. We thought our daughter would like it and it added to our pleasure to see her manically clapping at every opportunity. At one point, she leapt out of her chair and was jumping up and down with excitement. Now we had some real theatre buffs behind us, so I whispered for her to sit down, at which point the guy bawled at me, “Tell your daughter to sit down! She’s spoiling it!” Fortunately my husband didn’t hear him.
I felt told off. You know that feeling when someone pips their horn at you or your work has been corrected in red ink? It stings a bit. I can’t remember the last time someone spoke to me that way, which got me thinking about leadership and how we communicate with our team, the reactions we can provoke in someone and the impact on performance.
Most organisations are not that archaic that they bawl at their staff, but there is something around being ‘Parental’ with people. You may have come across the Transactional Analysis theory, where we communicate with people as ‘Parent’, ‘Adult’ or ‘Child’. Examples of Parental behaviour include:
- Application of rules. Rules can be useful and are necessary for a civilised and safe society. However, as a leader it takes emotional intelligence to know when to go all out in terms of applying a rule. For example, my old HR Officer once told a Partner that he couldn’t have the contact details of a fellow Partner, because of Data Protection Legislation, which in a black and white world was correct. You can imagine what response she got back…something along the lines of, “I own that information!”.
- Controlling others. Sometimes we are not aware that our behaviour is controlling; it can be subtle. For example, if we delegate a task (what you want doing) and also specify how you want it doing, this can take away the pleasure of completing it, because it’s your way, not theirs. We are stifling their development and missing an opportunity to build confidence and self esteem. If I were to put my daughter’s socks on for her every morning, how else would she learn to do it for herself? We learn through our mistakes.
When people are parental in their communication style with us, typically it provokes either a parental response back – we go into battle, or we behave like children. Examples of child-like behaviour include:
- Compliance: doing as we are told. Again, there are certain circumstances where it is important that we comply, for example, failing to attend an agreed meeting, regularly turning up to work on time etc. However, the longer term risk of an overly compliant workforce is that people lose the ability to think for themselves, use their initiative. Ultimately they become disengaged because they are always waiting for their next instruction. Where is the scope to add personality, opinion, or ideas? Surely as leaders, we can’t always have the ‘best’ solution? Equally I have seen blame cultures where the staff dare not comply, for fear of getting into trouble or losing their job. If we are triggering fear in our team, this evokes the sympathetic nervous system, which studies show over time impacts on our ability to focus and make decisions.
- Defiance: the equivalent of sticking two fingers up behind the boss\’s back. Remember I said that being told off (a Parental style of leadership), stings a little? You can usually spot a defiant employee; they’ll be the sulky one in the corner or are spreading malicious gossip in the kitchen. How can we get people on our side and working effectively if they are feeling resentful? If you have got a team member that is defiant, I usually find that they have something about them – they’ve got spunk! Far better to get them working with you than against you.
So how do you switch someone on?
The third communication style is ‘Adult’. This is where we meet the other person on the same level. We are neither, controlling, compliant nor defiant; we are an equal. We communicate in an open, honest and direct way, (classic assertive behaviour) and assume that the other person can think for themselves, identify their own solutions and is responsible for their actions. The ‘What’s in it for me’ as a leader, is that they own and solve their problems, so fewer monkeys on your back. It also helps to grow and develop your team. Using a coaching approach fits perfectly with this, which involves:
- Asking lots of open questions starting with What and How
- Sitting on your hands and not providing the solution
- Avoiding telling them how to do something, (obviously if someone has never done the task before and they require some input, mentor them a little)
- Bringing conversations to a conclusion, by getting the person to identify what specific action they are going to take.
Here’s a coaching model that’s dead easy to use, (a delegate on a recent leadership programme managed to coach someone in 26 seconds using this model), I call it: The Simple Technique:
- What’s happening now? (What’s their position A)
- What would you like instead? (What’s their position B. What outcome would they like?)
- What’s the next step? (To get them off the starting blocks and closer to position B)
We tailor make leadership and personal development programmes and offer Manager as a Coach and Assertiveness Training. We can also run Emotional Intelligence Profiles for your team.
